Last Friday while I was conducting some important business that my very livelihood depends, I was stopped by the NY State Court security officers as a strange object was discovered in my bag. Of course as I appreciate the keen observational abilities of our sentinels of public safety and accept their sworn oaths to protect, we were able to put the matter to rest with nary a raised tone nor injured pride. I was beckoned by the technician behind the X-ray machine so to describe the object with the shape of which he was most unfamiliar. As he tilted the monitor in my direction he queried what that dense, triangular shadow may be. I offered to then produce from my bag the object of his desire so that he may examine it with the rigor that only the naked eye can provide. As he weighed it in his hand and examined it from all useful angles, he did not ask me why I carried such an item with me in my bag. Anticipating the question that never came, I quickly formulated a truthful and heartfelt reply that I will now share to my readers and members of the club.
"Sir, as I am the self-appointed conductor of a major motion art picture, the object you clearly desire some explanation to is not mystical nor is it edible. I keep it on my person at all times as unlike my chili pepper plant, it makes me happy and occasionally gets me laid."
With no explanation necessary I was motioned to the desk clerk who without emotion took my article and slid it into a clear, plastic bag... a bag without breathing holes! I stifled a gasp and took a copy of the receipt, which I have posted above. After attending to my business which took about three-quarters of an hour, I presented the clerk with my receipt. With the correct dosage of apathy she took my property from out of the bag and placed it in my hand. As the transaction went so smoothly, I was overtaken with the feeling to be collegial and asked if many of such items had tried to make it inside the halls of justice. Without wasting the energy to even look in my direction, she uttered, "Nope."